文书essay写作常见错误及修改案例分享
发表时间:2019-03-20 10:13:20 作者:zhangxin 阅读:86次
很多准留学生在写文书essay的时候，经常会出现各种错误。然而就是因为这些错误导致同学们没有录取上。那么同学们要如何找到这些错误并且将它们彻底清除呢？下面Meeloun小编就给同学们分享文书essay写作中经常会出现的一些错误案例以及修改案例，一起来看看吧！
文书essay写作错误分析
问题1：冗长和重复
申请美国留学，写大学essay的时候，学生最容易犯的一个错误就是“冗长”(wordiness)，一篇文章里三分之一都是些没用的话，你以为这是中学写作文凑字数啊。
我们来试着将这段文字中冗长的部分去掉，现在读起来是不是更加精炼有力了!
Theater did not come naturally to me, and I felt remarkably self-conscious and nervous the first few times I set foot on stage in the eighth grade. My best friend had talked me into auditioning for Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
问题2：语意模糊、不准确
写Essay的时候要小心使用“语意模糊”的词。如果你的文章里充满了stuff、things、aspects、society这种词语，那就等着被拒吧。
你要把这些语意模糊的词替换成它实际指代的内容，比如当你使用“society”的时候，你具体指代的是哪一群人?当你提到“things”或者“aspects”的时候，你具体指代的是哪些things?哪些aspects?
来看看修改后的文字清晰版!
Not only do I find basketball fun, but the sport has helped me develop my leadership and communication skills, as well as my ability to work with a team.As a result,my love of basketball will make me a better business major.
问题3：陈词滥调
在大学申请的essay中，绝对不要出现那些过时的、滥用的短语。这些被滥用的短语只会让你的文章显得单调乏味，没有新意。咱们写essay的目的是为了让录取老师get excited about you!过时的短语只会让老师觉得你很没创意。
Throughout high school, I have tried to emulate my brother. He takes his responsibilities seriously, yet he is generous when dealing with the shortcomings of others. This combination of reliability and graciousness makes others turn to him for leadership. My own successes in high school are due largely to my brother's example.
问题4：滥用第一人称“I”
多数大学申请essay都是用第一人称来写的。那么现在问题来了，你写的这篇essay是关于你自己的，但如果你在一个句子里用了两个“I”，就会给人感觉你有点儿自恋，而且还犯了“重复”的错误。So，怎么办?
Soccer has been a part of my life for longer than I can remember. Literally.My parents have photos of me crawling around as a baby pushing a ball with my head.My later childhood was all about soccer -- the community league at age four, and participation in regional tournaments by ten.
问题5：题外话说太多
写essay的时候说点儿题外话(Digression)、扯点儿奇人异事也无可厚非，说不定还能增加文章的可读性。但实际上，大多数学生写的题外话是没什么意义的。当你打算展开写的时候，一定要记住展开的部分是为文章的主题服务的。
Although it wasn't academically challenging, I learned a lot from my job at Burger King because I was forced to negotiate some difficult personalities.
问题6：辞藻过于华丽
写申校essay的时候，要注意语言别过于华丽丽了。形容词和副词用的过多，可能会令阅读体验变差。
记住，要使用表现力强的动词，少用形容词和副词。一般来说，如果文章中每句话都有至少两个形容词或者副词的话，录取老师就会觉得这文章的作者不太成熟，为了要表现自己有点儿用力过猛了。而如果动词(主要是指行为动词)选的好，大多数形容词和副词(特别是副词)都可以删掉。
The game was close. I won't receive credit for our win, but I did pass the ball to my teammate who scored the winning goal. He received the praise for kicking the ball into the narrow space between the goalie's hands and the upper corner of the goal post, but the victory was really about a team,not an individual.
问题7： 过分依赖系动词
良好的写作规范，总是离不开对动词的重视。你申请大学的essay是为了引起录取老师的注意。用太多的形容词和副词会使文章显得过于花哨，用好了动词可谓是事半功倍。
英语中最常用的动词是“to be”(也就是is,was,were,am等)，这些词一定会在你的essay里出现千百遍，但如果你写的句子过分依赖这些“系动词”，那就会削弱文章的感染力。
来看看修改后的版本。表达同样的意思，可以使用了更加吸引人的“deserve”和“trace”代替了“is”。另外可以把“hero”删掉，这种表达n年前就不流行了。另外把原文意义模糊的“much of what I have accomplished”做了修改。
More than anyone else, my brother deserves credit for my achievements in high school. I can trace my successes in academics and music back to my brother's subtle influence.
问题8：使用过多的被动语态
被动语态不是语法错误，但是用的太多不仅会让文章显得罗嗦，还会降低文章的吸引力。要找到被动语态，首先要判断句子的主谓宾，当句子中的宾语“占据”了主语的位置时，这就是被动语态。使用被动语态的问题在于，动作的发出者常被省略或者置于句子的末尾。举几个例子来对比一下：
被动式: The window was left open. (我们不知道是谁开的窗户)
主动式: Joe left the window open. (现在我们知道是Joe打开了窗子)
被动式: The ball was kicked into the goal by Wendy.(Wendy是踢球的人，但没有放在句子的主语位置)
主动式: Wendy kicked the ball into the goal. (采用主动式后，句子更加简洁生动)
As the opposing team approached the goal,a striker kicked the ball towards the upper right corner.If I didn't block it, my team would lose the regional championship.
再罗嗦一句，被动语态不是语法错误!有时，当你需要强调句子的宾语时，被动语态是必要的。例如，如果你想表达一棵300年树龄的古树被闪电击中这件事，你要强调的重点或许就是这棵古树，而不是闪电，这是你可以用被动式：The beautiful 300-year-old tree in your front yard was destroyed by lightning.
问题9：虚字结构过多
许多以it is, it was, there is, there was开头的句子都含有虚字结构。一般来说，虚字结构大多以there或者it这种没有实际意义的词开头，there或者it在句中不起到代词的作用，也就是说没有先行词，there和it不指代任何内容，只是代替了句子中真正主语的位置。这样的句子往往显得冗长，不够动人。
举几个例子来对比一下，删去虚字结构后，文字变得更加简短有力。
It was the final goal of the game that determined the state championship.
改后：The final goal of the game determined the state championship.
There were two students at my summer camp who had severe psychological problems.
改后：Two students at my summer camp had severe psychological problems.
It is Saturday when I get to spend time at the animal shelter.
改后：On Saturday I get to spend time at the animal shelter.
不过要注意的是，不是所有的it is, it was,there is,there are都是虚字结构。如果it和there在句中有先行词，也就是有具体的指代内容的话，那就不是虚字结构了。例如：I have always loved music.It is one of the most important parts of my life.
My parents made a simple rule that got me interested in the trumpet: no television or computer time until I had practiced for half an hour.This rule often angered me,but when I look back I know my parents knew best.Today I'll always pick up my trumpet before the television remote.
以上就是Meeloun小编给同学们分享的一些关于文书essay写作常犯的错误以及修改案例，希望同学们看完之后会注意到这些问题。需要essay代写的同学可以扫描右边的二维码联系我们的客服哦！美伦现旗下写手超过400名，海龟硕博占据50%以上，更多写手资源正在火热招募中。美伦以质量为根本，诚信服务，严格执行双重审稿与检测，保证每一篇稿子都是精心原创并符合学科的需求，保障了留学生论文作业的通过率。
